I am
by Bisse
Summary: You have rarely known what goes through my head. That used to bother you. It bothered you when we were all each other had"


I am in thought. Most of the time it is you I think of. I can find peace in your face. Other gurus use the centre of the flame to find their quiet, I use your eyes. Both blue. The focus of the fire surrounding it, fierce and scorching. Escapism through meditation works because I don't know where else to go except within. Within my mind where the flowers of unrequited love have no place. Where their bitter scent can't be smelt.  
  
'Escape is for the cowardly', you told me one night before leaving Zion.  
  
I didn't answer. The confidence with which you talked was so foreign to me that for that brief moment, I hated you. It was so easy for you to knock down the idea of fear. As if it would never strike you to the ground. You, the Trinity, a freshly cropped girl being hand plucked by the Morpheus to join his crew. The girl with code running through her veins where the blood's supposed to be. My Girl Wonder. But Girl Wonders have their flaws. Girl Wonders themselves don't encounter fear, and therefore in their minds forget that fear is a very real existence for all else who live beneath them.  
  
'Yeah', I agreed with you, a shadow over my heart. I was unreadable.  
  
You have rarely known what goes through my head. That used to bother you. It bothered you when we were all each other had. A time when, if you couldn't read my face, you spent the night trying to open me up, getting me to talk again. When you weren't too preoccupied to spend long moments in peaceful contemplation. Before he came and set your brain running on a different track to mine. I am still. I am silent You used to know where I was every moment in Zion. Having apartments in such close proximity made it easy for us to be spend time together; staggering home from the bar, going to council meetings. But not since he came and lay his mass down next to yours, on top and under the warmth. He made you a party of two. A 200% increase in inhabitants. So the Housing Committee gave you a bigger room. So nice, so warm.... so many floors below my own and 11 doors to the right. I am distant. I am removed.  
  
I couldn't look at his face the first time I encountered the two of you. He was taller than me anyways. But it was as if the tendons behind my retinas had been pulled loose, eyes moving schizophrenically in their sockets trying to find a focal point. I walked away without a word being uttered from my mouth. This was not meant to happen. He was not supposed to happen.  
  
But what would happen if he didn't exist? What if I was given the chance, the perfect opportunity to express the fullness of my heart to her? Nothing. I am so far down the pit of my own silence that I wouldn't be able to bring the words to my lips. I am the silent guru. Keeping both my sonnets and caresses locked away. Wise in all matters except for the affairs of my own heart. The guru would not make a sound. But the guru is also silent because he now knows. I now know that I was never a contender for her love.  
  
The second time we met he had been unplugged 2 months...all peach fuzz and short nails really. They were meandering along the walkway, surprisingly unoccupied. I knew then that it was my chance to meet him properly. So I approached slowly, cautiously. I could see from a distance the glow effervescing from her body as they walked together, blending with his aura to create a warm bath of emotion to soak their feet in. I felt lighter than ever before. She introduced me to him proudly, care and tenderness scattering her sentences until I felt full with the sweetness of their love. I knew then that it is the way things should be. The way things have to be in order to keep the balance. My Girl Wonder deserves her one, Zion's One.  
  
It's not over until the fat lady sings, they say. Well I can now hear her voice filling the caves of Zion, the rich alto acting as my warning light. The time of you and her is over. The time of her and the One has begun. Well, Trinity, my ears were opened. They became clearer than they have been since you were unplugged. The fresh air can now travel to my brain and scatter the leaves that are piled in the corner. I am able to rake through my garden again, yanking out those bitter flowers for the compost heap. Those flowers will leave their scent in my mind indefinitely, I know, but with the proper care I can cultivate a much sweeter garden. I am settled. I am cleansed. 


End file.
